How it all began…
When I was three years old my parents took me to see Cathy Rigby in a stage production of Peter Pan. I was enthralled by the whole experience. Afterwards they bought me a green felt hat with a purple feather, just like the one Peter wore in the play. I wore it everyday for the next month. I became Peter Pan, I wanted to be the hero and have a grand adventure, to fight Captain Hook, and to fly! And I did, for the next 30 or so days I was in Neverland and I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, an actor.
Three years old is pretty young to have a conscious awareness of what you want to do in life. But in the very least I knew I loved storytelling and playing make believe. I had a rich and active imagination. My brother and sister were fifteen years older and had left the house by the time I was four to go off to college, so I grew up essentially an only child. I could spend hours creating stories and conversing with imaginary friends. My stuffed animals and dolls not only had names and personas, but elaborate backstories. |
When my father would come home from work I often embellished stories about my day so they would be more exciting and dramatic. The inclinations were there early on, which is why I find it so amusing that everyone in my family was surprised by my career choice and my dogged life long commitment to the arts. To me it couldn’t be clearer. Sure, sometimes my interests would crossover into other art forms, dance, painting, but even while I explored talents in other disciplines I was always interested in coming from a place of story or character, to transform and be someone else, to understand and see through different eyes, and to share an experience with others. Making sense of the world around me and our collective experience of it was what motivated me.
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I was fortunate to have two extraordinary and influential teachers during my early years, Dr. Daniel Dyer and Mr. Andrew Kmetz. Dr. Dyer taught middle school english, and Mr. Kmetz art. I had them both from 6th through 8th grade, the puberty years right before high school, an extremely crucial time for any kid’s development and sense of identity. For a small town in northeast Ohio they were unconventional in their pedagogy. True nurturers of creativity, they teamed up to put on plays, often original works with Dr. Dyer directing and Mr. Kmetz designing sets and choreographing dance numbers; his dance experience gained from his days in Hollywood as a hoofer in movie musicals during the 1950’s.
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Dr. Dyer was, at that time, a freelance writer and a 6th generation teacher. Later he became a published author, and went on to win several awards for teaching and scholarship from the National Endowment for the Humanities (including their prestigious Teacher-Scholar Award), and in 2011 earned an excellence in teaching award from Western Reserve Academy, where he had taught the previous ten years. But back then, to us small town kids they were just cool.
One day after english class, at the age of about twelve, I announced to Dr. Dyer that I wanted to write a play called, “Murder On Bus Ten”. I wanted to play the lead and him to direct. To my surprise he said, “We start tomorrow after school 3:30pm sharp.” And so for the next couple months I stayed after school a few days a week and wrote “Murder On Bus Ten” under Dr. Dyer’s guidance. The idea probably came from my obsession with Agatha Christie novels, an unusual proclivity for a kid my age, but nevertheless Dr. Dyer indulged my macabre sensibility, and allowed me the freedom to get as gory and satirical as I wished.
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By spring Murder On Bus Ten was in rehearsal with a full ensemble of characters consisting of the majority of the seventh grade class, a resplendent set, including a large cardboard bus, and Mr. Kmetz choreographing upbeat routines reminiscent of musical numbers like The Producers’ “Springtime For Hitler”. It premiered right before the end of the school year to a full house of students, parents, teachers and townies. And it was a huge hit! By the time high school rolled around I was obsessed with doing theatre. I was the youngest regular participant in our local community theatre, debuting as Louise in Carousel at the age of fourteen.
A real turning point was my introduction to Shakespeare in sophomore english class. We had the choice to either write an essay on Romeo and Juliet or perform a monologue. I was the only student who chose to perform a monologue. Of course, because of my flair for the dramatic, I chose the speech where Juliet takes the potion and imagines all the horrible things that could go wrong, and what she will experience when she wakes in the family crypt. It was lots of fun rehearsing at home but when I got up in front of the class and looked out at a sea of judgmental teenagers staring back at me, I thought I would die of stage fright. But there was no going back.
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I knew if I bombed it would be teenage social suicide, I’d never live it down. And maybe that terrifying thought was the impetus, but in the next moment something magical happened. I escaped into my imagination just as I had at three when I believed I was Peter Pan. I let go and trusted those beautiful poetic words to carry me through an experience. Suddenly it was over, I was lying across my teacher’s desk, the empty potion bottle in one hand, and makeshift dagger in the other. In the silence I cautiously opened my eyes from my trance-like state to the dropped jaws of everyone. Our teacher pointed at me and said, “don’t move,” and abruptly left the room. I thought, oh god, I’ve really done it, I made an ass of myself. I stood there awkwardly as the class stared at me and whispered to one another. I was mortified, and then our teacher returned with the school principal. She looked at me with pride and said, “ Do it again.” That was my first experience of being truly “in the moment” as an actor. That strange amalgamation of all your senses heightened, completely aware, but also so laser focused that afterwards it’s as if coming out of a dream, dizzying, intoxicating, like being possessed by spirit. That perfection of ‘being’, as athletes would describe, “in the zone” is completely freeing. I was officially hooked, for life.
For me acting is a celebration of the human spirit. To be an actor in the purest sense is truly a spiritual endeavor, a contribution to the elevation of the soul; inspiring revelation and purging its darkest secrets. Perhaps this opinion seems lofty and idealist, and indeed it is, for who can deny that the pursuance of any art form is anything but common and practical. As an artist one must be prepared to make many sacrifices, indeed the journey is rough, sometimes seemingly impossible. To say that one aspires to be an actor for money, glamour, and fame may in fact be true early on in the pursuit of a career.
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But in a fairly short period of time it becomes clear that attaining the former is not as easy as one had hoped, and the actor is confronted with a choice: to dedicate their life to their art, or change careers. If the decision to continue on is made and the comforts of financial and emotional security sacrificed, surely one is confronted with searching oneself for a deeper motive. When I question that motive for myself I have to admit that it goes much deeper than satisfying my ego. Although money, fame and glamour are nice perks if they come along, to be an actor, for me, is about being part of an event, not the event itself.
The event is a sharing of a group consciousness, and it is addictive.
The event is a sharing of a group consciousness, and it is addictive.
There is an indescribable shared moment between an actor and an audience that is extraordinary. It happens when a connection is made and ordinary reality is transcended. The actor and the audience merge into a communal understanding or even enlightenment. And I felt that for the first time that day in sophomore english class. Being a medium for an artistic message to reach an audience is what is truly rewarding for me. I am in constant pursuit of that goal. A good performance is to be in a state of grace.
I was certainly not that articulate at the age of seventeen when filling out my college application essay for theatre programs addressing why I wanted to be an actor. |
Nevertheless the drive was evident. I stayed in-state because I was awarded both a talent and vocal scholarship to the musical theatre program at Otterbein University, then (Otterbein College). It was and remains in the top ten acting BFA programs in the country, ranked #4 in 2016-17. I was still required to get in all the credits of a liberal arts degree in addition to my major in order to earn a Bachelors of Fine Art. I honestly don’t know how I juggled it all. I remember one spring term taking 21 credits, and being in a show. I got excellent well-rounded training there and many opportunities to perform. We were fortunate to stage productions in outstanding venues for a substantial audience of season ticket holders; the Campus Center Theatre which houses a 245-seat three-quarter thrust stage, as well as Cowan Hall which houses The Fritsche theatre, a 1047-seat proscenium house.
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And though I was a musical theatre major I also had plenty of opportunity to study classical and contemporary theatre. In my senior year I competed in The Kennedy Center American College Theatre Festival for The Irene Ryan Acting Scholarship and was a regional finalist. That same year I did an semester internship in New York city for Johnson/Liff Casting. While there I was encouraged by the Head of the Otterbein Theatre School to apply and audition for graduate acting programs. He felt that I was at a crucial turning point in my training and that a focused MFA program would propel me into a career. He showed me pamphlets of a school that he thought was groundbreaking, and one of the best and exciting acting programs out there- California Institute of the Arts. I knew I needed to get to either New York or Los Angeles if I really wanted to pursue this career. The three top schools on my list for MFA programs were Yale, NYU, and CalArts. I got into CalArts, so I packed up a U-Haul, and my little white 240 Volvo with the blue stripe and headed west.
CalArts was unlike any school I had ever seen. Perched high on a hill in Valencia California it had a isolated magical quality to it. Some say it was often the inspiration for Tim Burton, one of our famous alum, in some of his films like Edward Scissorhands. CalArts is a conservatory and the Juilliard of the west coast. Founded by Walt Disney, and still supported by the Disney family as well as other prestigious titans in the entertainment industry. CalArts fostered a freedom of expression and a true artistic independence. I was able to develop a keener sense of myself as an artist, and stretch myself as an actor. It was opposite to the kind of rigorous traditional training I got in my undergraduate program where I learned discipline and theatrical etiquette. At CalArts we were encouraged to be responsible for our growth as an artist and not to look to the approval or critique of others as the measure of a satisfying creative experience. We were exposed to unusual and experimental works, artists from all over the world, and to collaboration with other art forms.
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To be an actor is to be among a category of people in society that have the ability to cross over a multitude of boundaries. We are student’s of life seeking to explore the diversity of cultures, understand people’s motivations, and contemplate various philosophies. My training at CalArts certainly allowed me to challenge my own boundaries and bust through them.
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Throughout all my college and graduate school years I spent most of my summers working in summer stock theatre on both the east and west coasts. This is an invaluable experience for any actor having to adapt to a concentrated rehearsal period and perform several shows in repertory, usually this is a two to three month contract. But once firmly established in Los Angeles in grad school I caught another bug- film. Acting for the camera is of course a completely different experience than acting in front of a live audience, but just as exciting and fulfilling.
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Making those adjustments in my craft and delving into understanding the process of filmmaking became my next obsession. Any student film I could be a part of I was there, no matter the role. Learning the power of stillness and intimacy with the camera was just as an addicting truth to master. I believe that due to the commercial success of film and television, and their global reach, actors, more than ever, have the power to influence.
Because of constant research and an avid enthusiasm for discovery, actors have the power to get results where others have failed. With that in mind I believe that an actor has the responsibility to search for truth. An actor provides society with more than just a cultural diversion. Once out of the nurturing cocoon of higher education the hard knocks of life knocked me right on my ass. I was fortunate enough to get signed by an agent directly from my graduation showcase performance. I thought I was on my way. Little did I know at that time that having representation was no guarantee of work, or even auditions for that matter. One thing you don’t learn in school is the business of the business. And though now I think a lot of programs are attempting to prepare students for the transition to life as a professional, many still miss the mark. Unlike other more traditional careers there are no hard and fast rules to the entertainment business. It’s often a free-for-all, fluid, and unpredictable. Like many actors now and those who have come before me I worked “the day job”. Over the years- many, many different day jobs, all the while trying to learn as much about the business as possible from all angles. I worked at Universal as a studio tour guide, at NBC and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno as a page.
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I worked as an assistant in production companies and casting offices, was an extra, a P.A. and a reader. I interned in development for a independent film company, and was a writer’s assistant for a published author. I managed a handful of actors at one point and also taught acting for several years, as well as worked as an adjunct professor teaching courses like Artistic Forms of Expression, Public Speaking, and Theatre History. I was even a makeup artist for a period of time. Eventually I became an entrepreneur co-founding my own production company, White Swan Films, and eventually its subsidiary, Award Winning Reels.
Though I wear many hats, as they say, all these different jobs and the experiences have made me a better actor. Living life makes you a better actor. So my advice is live it fully! Don’t polarize yourself, go out into the world and interact with different people, jobs, and walks of life. Experiences in your so called “soul sucking” day job can actually feed your art! It can provide you with character study, motivation, and a keener awareness that become invaluable treasures to your craft as an actor. Actors give evidence to people that the personality is transient and that humanity has commonality. To achieve this actors have to have the courage and willingness to escape into different aspects of the self and maintain their vulnerability. It takes more than mere presence to be a great actor.
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A dedicated actor must master powers of concentration, self-observation, impartiality, knowledge of the body, relaxation, discernment of what is true, and a balanced state of dedication to something higher than oneself.
And so here I am, grown up and I’m an actor. Sometimes with a professional success as recognized by the industry and society, and sometimes achieving success only in front of my mentors and classmates in acting class, my artistic family. But I see the world through the eyes of an artist and always will, it's who I am and always will be. I love the work. In the end it is that simple. It gives me the sense that in some way I am contributing to a global consciousness. |
I hope that in retrospect of my career I can say I made meaningful choices with regard to the projects in which I was involved. I try to be a good person because I think good actors are good people, they are brave and compassionate. But most of all being an actor sure is fun! I can’t wait for the next opportunity to play make-believe …